dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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