Hey man sorry I got all grabby
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
