Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
