JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
