I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Welp...herpes.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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