billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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