you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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