Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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