I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
