He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
