I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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