I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
