so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
