who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
