I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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