I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
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