Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
