you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You smell like stripper and shame
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
