He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My balls are so social today.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
