why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
