So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Enjoy the penises
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
