my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
