how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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