I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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