At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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