I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You smell like a Billy Joel song
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
