god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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