Please, let me fuck your mom
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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