ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
This is the high leading the old right now
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
