Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
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We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
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Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
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