I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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