I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize