is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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