I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
