Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
