You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
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When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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I need a hoe opinion
go on
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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