I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
