Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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