Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
