Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
