I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Found your dick twin last night
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
