I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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