im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
