I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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