I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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