I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
