I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
