I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
