Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
