All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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