when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
