he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i will never coherently bang her
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
