He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
