omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
