i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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